Tall People Are Not Good At Basketball.

Ask any layperson the number one characteristic of a great basketball player and in all likelihood they will say height. It’s a common theme, professional basketball players are frequently tall. A player under six feet tall in the NBA is as rare as a Heat fan in 2009 Miami. However, it’s high time we as NBA fans stand up and state the obvious, a lot of these giant humans are not great basketball players. Of course within the confines of the NBA, height is relative, in everyday life a six foot seven person is considered well beyond average height, yet for the NBA this is right around the middle. Once the microscope is affixed squarely onto the seven foot and near seven foot targets is when the image begins to gain focus. These freaks of nature walk and run (slowly, usually) up and down the court, flaunting their genetic lottery winnings, as if they are God’s gift to basketball. When all along they have and continue to make a mockery of the great game we all hold so dear.

The game of Basketball was invented in Springfield MA, in 1891 by Dr. James Naismith, whom for the remainder of this article, for the sake of clarity, shall be referred to as Dr. J… Nevermind, we’ll stick with Dr. Naismith. Among many of Dr. Naismith’s requirements for his new game, he longed to create a level playing field which would remove excess physical contact by placing the “basket” high among the player’s heads. This was not what he had in mind.

Dr. Naismith couldn’t imagine a day when players would be jumping from free throw lines and hop stepping into two handed, rim shattering dunks. Basketball was sport for every man, woman and child to play without prejudice or self consciousness due to a lack of preposterous height. If you think about it, a dunk is the ultimate, tell tale sign of futility in a basketball game. You mean to tell me this guy is so inept at shooting the ball that he has to stuff it directly into the basket? Hahaha, what a baby! When you’re seven feet tall dunking probably isn’t even that enjoyable. You ever walk through a doorway and touch the frame as you walk through? Yeah, that’s probably about how exciting it is.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, players like Hakeem Olajuwon, Bill Russell, Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, etc. are legitimately fantastic basketball players. They, and players like them are NBA greats regardless of their height. Then there’s the other side of the coin, the Dwight Howards and Blake Griffins of the world, can you shoot? No, but I can dunk! Can you pass? No, but I can dunk! Can you dribble? No, but I can dunk! This isn’t to say that the Goliaths of the NBA don’t have their value, but let’s start regarding them as what they really are. Role players. If you’re only going to possess 50% or less of the skills involved in basketball, you simply can not be considered a good basketball player. Is this splitting hairs? YES INDEED! But hey, there hasn’t been an NBA game for months now and something’s gotta be written.

Every time I hear about baby hooks and great-passing big men I just see an analyst patronizing an oversized human. Way to be somewhat coordinated despite your hilariously oversized body. The fact of the matter is that the level of basketball skill required to make the NBA with a height of 6 feet is so far beyond the seven footer’s ability it’s laughable. If you tested every player in the NBA’s prowess on a skill by skill basis, the larger players of the NBA would be laughed off the court. It’s not that they don’t help win games and contribute to their teams, it’s just that the bar is set so ridiculously low for them.

Imagine a 6 foot 3 inch player with Shawn Bradley’s skill set, how long would he last in the NBA? I rest my case. Keep in mind, this is not limited to the NBA. Next time you’re walking by your local playground, take a look at who’s playing and what they’re doing. Usually the tall guy at the court is taking it easy, resting on his skyscraping laurels, all while the working-class-height of the sport of basketball give it their all. Unfortunately we are unable to assign height to players based upon skill and merit, the fact of the matter is most big men, were it not for their size, would be seen as the poor excuses for basketball players that they are.

It’s time to appreciate the undersized players of the NBA and basketball abound! These lilliputian wonders have swam up stream and made it the highest of levels. Their knee cap high hearts pump the blood of true warriors. Show me a 5 foot 2 player rising to the top of the basketball ladder and I’ll show you one of the greatest basketball players of all time!