Your NBA Translator

Here we are, smack dab in the middle of the conference finals with a little break. It’s only two days but take advantage of it while you can. After what was unquestionably the greatest first round in the history of the Playoffs, we had a less than stellar second round. Now, once more into the breach. The Spurs look unstoppable and the Pacers and Heat appear poised to take their series to the full, seven game limit. What better a time to reflect and fully absorb the broadcasting techniques, employed by seemingly all of the television personalities we view on a nightly basis. You can’t watch the Playoffs without hearing the opinions, which run the gamut of validity, of many a retired player and Connecticut School of Broadcasting graduate. Allow me to decipher many of the common phrases we are inundated with, throughout your common game.

Quick side note, in case you’re wondering why there has been a precipitous drop in the volume of posting, having a baby will do that to you. I promise to do better.

Back to the task at hand:

1. “Tough Call” – This is a ridiculously bad call that most second graders and advanced senior citizens know is the wrong decision.

2. “Tough Shot” – (1) You’d have to be drunk, high, armless or partially blind to have taken that shot. (2) Lance Stephenson probably just shot the ball.

3. “He’s So Long” – A player is tall. Yes, many tall people have long arms, but when did we start referring to tall people as long? Do we call fat people wide? At least not to their face. Let’s show basketball players the same common courtesy, besides referring to a grown man as “so long,” just sounds all kinds of wrong.

4. “This Game Is So Hard To Officiate” – (1) Anyone who has ever seen a basketball could have made the call that, for some unknown reason, the referee didn’t make. Yet, the speaker of this sentence is pretending we all didn’t just see, what we just saw. (2) It’s the early 2000s and Shaq is elbowing everyone in the face as he travels, knocks all opponents down, steps on them and then miraculously dunks. BARBECUE CHICKEN!!!

5. “He Might Have Gotten Away With A Travel” – A player just took a bare minimum of five steps.

6. “He’s Got A Really High Basketball IQ” – A white guy just completed a bounce pass.

7. “That’s Been Called A Flagrant Foul” – A defensive play, that in the 80’s, was considered a borderline foul, is now deemed a despicable action that will be viewed as flagrant and could possibly result in a suspension.

8. “The Big Fundamental” – The speaker of this phrase stopped watching the NBA ten years ago and doesn’t realize the Spurs play flawless team basketball.

9. “Might Have Been A Cheap Shot” – Dwyane Wade just pulled out a gun and executed every member of the opposing team gangland style, including the entire coaching staff. He didn’t stop at that, you can’t just cut the head off the snake, you have to send a message, destroy all offspring that could potentially rise up and try to score on or defend you. Today, Dwyane settles all family business, if you’ve ever played basketball, you are on his list. No one is safe, not the Diaz brothers, not Moe Greene, not Edward Longshanks (cool last name), not even the bees in the hive that took out Thomas in “My Girl.” When Dwyane gets that look in his eyes, protect your ligaments!!!!!!

10. “Here’s Russell Westbrook Arriving At The Arena” – Here comes a grown man dressed in an outfit that a couch from your aunt’s house wouldn’t be caught dead upholstered in… 35 years ago.

11. “Lebron Called For The Foul” – Make peace with your loved ones, pray to whichever God you believe in, prepare yourself, for the end of humanity is upon you.

12. “Dick Bavetta Is Tonight’s Head Referee” – A man, whose driver’s license has most likely been confiscated by his great, great grandchildren, is about to be the man responsible for an enormous sporting event that is being watched by millions, with small fortunes having been invested in it’s outcome. Retire him already.

13. “Erik Spoelstra Is One Of The NBA’s Top Coaches “ – A man, who was handed a team made up of superstars, has somehow fooled everyone into believing that their success has something to do with the play he just drew up. Give me Lebron and four surprisingly coordinated goats and I’ll win you a chip.

14. “Welcome To The NBA On TNT” – YAAHHH!! It’s the good broadcast!

15. “Welcome To The NBA On ESPN/ABC” – Why can’t all the games be on TNT? Pony up the dough Ted Turner, save us all from a Doug Collins analysis. Come on Disney (ABC/ESPN is owned by Mickey), how can you possibly come with Doug Collins? Simmons is cool, and Jalen gives one hell of a podcast, but in the race that is NBA broadcasting, TNT is Usain Bolt and ESPN/ABC is a toaster.

BONUS: “Lebron James With No Regard For Human Life” – The speaker of this sentence is an idiot.